Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mes amis, vous etes speciales

Lately I've found out that a lot of my friends have been feeling lonely and left out (and they are all my closest friends... ironic...), a theme which has been recurring in my life lately. My family moved from a big city in California right after high school graduation to one of those states that only get two, maybe four people in the House of Reps, into a small city of about 600 people. Since then I've mainly been away at college, so I've had no chance to really get involved with the people of the area. My older brother and I go to a single's branch for church, where maybe about somewhere between 5-15 people show up, depending on the Sunday. We have a hard time with it because we really don't know anybody; the people our age are all used to each other cosidering they've all gone to the same schools since they were 5. They are not used to new people moving into town and are very, well, to themselves. It's been so hard breaking those barriers. Lucky for me I'm gone most of the time, so I only have to deal with it for a quarter of the year, while my older brother lives here all year around. It's very difficult for him, he's definitely given up and has created a stigma for the local people. Not very friendly, hicks, shy, somewhat handicpped... Now I'm home for the entire summer and then some, and I don't have any friends here to waste away those gorgeous summer days. I've tried. I'm not exactly an "outgoing" person, I'm outgoing in my own way. I don't talk up a storm or butt into other people's business, but I have those little quirks that help people to relax those boundaries around me. I dance out of nowhere. I sing oldies songs, say funny movie quotes when someone makes me think of one. I like to have fun in my quiet way. I'm not shy, just quiet. But usually that works. But not here. Not now. I've been home about three or four weeks and still no one to sit by in church or to talk to in Relief Society. And it becomes so painful to sit there so shamefully alone. And my brother has had to deal with this for three years? So what's a girl to do?

Friends are a difficult subject for me. I had a friend in middle school and high school that I shared everything in my life with. We spent all our time together, I always had her come over, made sure she was welcomed and had someone to trust in. In high school she began lying to me about her entire life and habits. I found out later she was using me as some sort of alibi for her parents when she went to her friend's house to do drugs. When I found out I was devastated that she betrayed my trust. I was so angry. For a long time I blamed her being a horrible friend. I've come to realize that I wasn't innocent either; I wasn't exactly the best friend I could've been. Since then I am hesitant to make friends. When I stopped hanging out with her, most of our mutual friends knew her first so a lot of friendships ended. I was left all alone except for one friend. I began to analyze how I made new friends to try to make more.

That was my downfall. Before the lonliness never really bothered me. I always thought that I had my family and that would be enough. But since then, spending those first few weeks of Junior year all alone, I can't bear feeling lonley anymore. It's the most horrible, painful experience. And it weighs on me, while I'm here in this small, introverted town. It makes me feel so rejected. One of the most painful experiences in my life is being reinacted every day that I'm here.

But it's somewhat different this time. Although there are so many times that I feel so dejected and ready to run away and cry, I know I am never alone. I know I am loveable. I know I am fun. I know who I am, and I will never compromise that, never again. I know there's nothing wrong with me (well, nothing that has to do with this anyway). I know I am worth being a friend. The only thing that stands in my way is fear. Not so much my own, but the fear of the people around me. But I will not be afraid. I will not be the one that misses out on life. I will not run away. I will not miss out on experiences just because I was too introverted. I will continue to be myself.

So to all my friends who feel alone, that feel rejected and dejected, feel like they are a nuisance or too _____ to be loved by leurs amis: You are never alone. These times in life are difficult, it's Satan trying to tear you down. But stand up to him and take heart. Although I may not be physically with you I am rooting for you so hardcore. Just as much as you wish I were with you, I wish you were with me. Although states and oceans might separate us, we are never separated. It might be difficult during Relief Society, when you and I have no one to talk to, but you must remember this. Remember I love you, and I NEVER EVER want you to feel unloved. It's actually quite the opposite, and I'll try to remember that too. We'll make it a deal, okay?