Sunday, January 8, 2012

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Just to get some things off my chest.
I'm the new Relief Society President in my ward. I'm just afraid I won't take it seriously enough rather than being so nervous or not up to the challenge. I'm stomping down the voice that would want to stomp me down. How much I want to be a good Relief Society president for these sisters!
I am grateful for the sisters who accepted the callings to help me. I need them, and I hope they just as much need me. How much I can't do this without them!
So really, I'm okay. Just a lot to think about, you know?
I always have a lot to think about. My calling. School. Buying a car maybe soon. Boys.
How much I hate that subject right now.
Because I broke up with my boyfriend. Almost two weeks ago. And the decision was mutual. And it was a bummer, sure. I worked and flirted my booty off to be able to get to where we were. And I was crazy about him. But things weren't moving along towards marriage. Really, no. And I keep telling myself, This is better. He can't fulfill your needs. He has a bad attitude sometimes. He's not what I need. And I get to a place where I feel good. I feel great! And that I have moved on! That we can just be friends and live free and enjoy thinking about what the future may hold!
But every night I dream about him. I hate those dreams. They make me miss him and put me right back on square one. And he's such a flirt. Whenever I see him he does it. But I think he does it to a lot of girls. I dunno! And he won't leave me alone- he's always in my head. I can't concentrate because mentally I'm yelling out WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????
I just want this to go away. It's dragging me down, it's bumming me out. It makes me want to cry. Because I feel so dumb. We had our first date back in August, and he would get close and then back off, get close and then back off. And I would always want to say I'm done! I'm done playing this game! I don't want to date him anymore. And then something would happen, and there he always was, with the cue card that said Date Him!!!!! And I did. I always ascribed it to Providence, because what else would it be? It happened way too many times for it to be coincidence. So is this what is happening again? Or do I just need to learn control over my romanticism? What do I need to do concerning this? I feel so lost.
And then I ask myself, If you can't even figure out this, how can you give your dedication to  your new calling and to the sisters? How can you help and sustain them when you can't even help and sustain yourself?
And I want to listen to the still small voice. I want to know what I need to do.
Brain ready to explode now.