Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Coming home

When returned missionaries say that there should be an RMTC, they're not kidding.
At least make a support group or something!
At first coming back home wasn't too bad. I was doing really well actually! But the more I'm home the harder it is. I think I actually got depressed yesterday. I hate being depressed. The anxiety of not knowing what's going on in my life or where she's going has been getting to me. I've heard that when you get home you don't feel like doing anything anymore. Like all the stuff you used to love to do doesn't really entice you anymore. I used to love books and movies; I loved to learn and go to school. But the desire hasn't been there since I've been home. I don't feel like doing any of that stuff. But I also hear say that you kind of have to get in your mind what you like and what goals you want in your life and push yourself (aka force yourself) to do it. Because it's not easy. It's not easy coming from a very structured life where it was all planned out for you that made sense, to a world that everything is up to you. It's not easy coming home a new creature, unsure of who you were and who you are because it's still so new.
And don't even get me started on dating and boys.
But I'm reinforcing the idea that coming home is definitely a trial by fire, testimony gaining and strengthening experience. You gotta rely on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ even more, that they will not lead you astray or let wander in paths of bad choices. That they are still there to listen to and answer your prayers. Because they will. Maybe in their own time and their own way, but they will. I've been trying to tell myself that. I'm trying to more than that. I'm trying to believe it.
And the anxiety slips away.
The depression ebbs.
And the road to hope clears and trust is established.
Therefore having joy in the journey becomes more than a cute catchphrase, but really your way of life ingrained into your heart.
So my fellow RM's, don't despair. We all go through it. I heard the average of about 6 months. I've heard 6 years. Everyone is unique. But we all go through it. Take hope in the fact that you are not weird or alone. You are not a freak. But you can wear out the storm and be even better because of it.
The mission might be the best year and a half or two years of your life, but she also makes the following years the best of your life as well.
Enjoy the journey.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Jane Austen was on to something...

No man is offended by another man's admiration of the woman he loves; it is the woman only who can make it a torment. -Jane Austen

I love how every woman I know loves Jane Austen. We can all relate to one character or another. I can relate to Emma. I'm not a matchmaker, I'm not rich, but I can relate to the fact that I'm young and live in my own ideal world. I'm okay with that.

Although I love Emma, I do not appreciate that Jane Austen was not writing about a character in her head, but about me!
In Emma, Emma takes young Harriet under her wing to help educate her and set her up with a smart match. Emma vigorously takes up this challenge until Harriet falls for Mr.Knightly, who Emma has unknowingly loved. And then Emma goes through the torture of wondering if she has lost Mr.Knightly forever.
Now change Emma for Emily. I'm dead serious. This is happening to me.
Add a bit of Elinor from Sense and Sensibility. I've meet a guy. Wonderful. He's great. I'm very interested. I'm pretty sure he is too. But just like Elinor and Edward, something isn't moving along. I really want to get to know this guy better. But the heartbreak ensues when the scene between Elinor and Anne Steele really happened to me. Twice. And I don't say anything to anybody. Because I don't want people to know what I'm going through. This blog isn't supporting my designs. But this is what pains me most...
Jane Austen novels always end up with the happy ending. But will my story? As much as my life is a realistic reflection of her novels, doesn't mean that I will end like Emma or Elinor. It breaks my heart. What to do? I dunno.
Jane, will you please write a happy ending to my story?