Sunday, March 29, 2009

Why do I like to torture myself?

I mean, honestly, I am a rational person. I like to think I'm down to earth, but when it comes to what's best for me, I can be somewhat misconstrued. This past week or two I've been pigging out like a monster. Usually I'm one who likes to eat smaller meals and mostly healthy foods like fruits, vegetables, and maybe even a chicken boob or two. But since mother nature came to visit me, she came with some mega-wrath. I had massive cravings, and instead of getting over them like I should have, I've pigged out on the three birthday cakes we've had around our apartment, ate an entire package of Oreos, chili, pizza, breads, and VERY sugary foods. The thing is I know they are bad for me. I love how I feel when I eat those fruits and vegetables; they give me energy and I just feel all around better about myself because I know I am taking care of my body. When I eat unhealthy foods they make me feel fat, disgusting, and they give me really bad headaches because of the grease and/or sugar. So why did I pig out on all the unhealthy stuff when I really needed something to make me feel better?
I don't know. I guess I'm an idiot.
Why do I subject myself to such torture? Today I had sloppy joes, chips (which I haven't had in a long time), and another slice of that infamous birthday cake. And now I feel disgustingly fat (I think I have gained a few pounds from all that cake) and have a huge throbbing headache.
And these are not psycho body issues, I like taking care of my body and being healthy.
And what I can do to remedy this? Listen to myself. Instead of listening to my instincts that tell me to eat what tastes good, I can listen to the rational side of me and do my body good; learn some self control. Which is what it really boils down to: self restraint and willpower. The will power to love myself and take care of myself. 
So no more birthday cake for me. 

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Today must be significant

Today is March 5, 2009, the anniversary of the 2001 Santana shooting. Santana High School was my high school, but it happened two years before I went there. I knew many people who were affected by this rampage. From friends who had guns in their faces, running terrified all over campus, to teachers, who whenever the topic was addressed, spoke of bullying like lions because they whole heartedly knew the results of such actions. These people who came to affect my life had theirs affected too, watching students and coworkers bleed, and even die.
But more importantly is why this even had to happen.
Freshman Charles Andrew Williams was a transfer student to Santana in 2000, and like any other teenager, he was eager to be accepted, to have friends. To his dismay, he did not find friends, but found bullies. With every crowd he wanted to be involved with, he only found taunting and rejection. He went from group to clique to group to find someone who would accept him. He eventually was accepted by a few, but the teasing continued.
A few weeks before, Andy was talking with some friends about bringing a gun to high school and shooting people. His friends didn't take him seriously; they thought it was just a joke. Apparently he kept joking about it, even up to the weekend before the shooting, asking his friend if he wanted to join him. Once again, it was only taken as a joke. On Monday, at 9:20 AM, Andy came out of the bathrooms and began shooting at innocent bystanders in the quad, with a smile on his face. Andy told a psychiatrist what went through his head before it happened. He was in the bathroom, loading the gun, asking himself if he should really do it. He rationalized to himself that if he didn't do it, the teasing wouldn't stop.
Because of this, Randy Gordon and Brian Zuchor, ages 15 and 14 respectively, were shot and killed, along with 13 others who were shot.
And what really makes this a tragedy?
It could've been stopped.
If others would be a friend, be understanding, be kind, be available.
The teasing of others pushed him over the edge, pushed him to where he felt that he couldn't take it anymore. It's so sad that this could've been prevented.
What I'm getting at isn't that it wasn't Andy's fault, he definitely had control over his actions. But we now have a choice. A choice to learn from the mistakes that were made before us. Do we go on in our merry little lives, ignoring that this happened, refusing to see the results of our actions against others? Or do we work to create a world of love and refuge? Think about this today, as families remember and mourn for the loss of sons, brothers, friends.
Remember the Santana shooting.